Tempus Fugit

Time Flies…

   Jul 29

An Evening of Sucking

**Disturbing Content Warning**

I wish my evening was as exciting as the title makes it sound.

I was not directly involved…. I got to watch…and that’s still not as fun as it sounds.

What I witnessed was in fact a Vacuum Extraction of a bebbe who got stuck. Gumboots are recommended.

The process is reminiscent of watching calves being born when I spent time on a farm. A suction cap is placed on the foetus’ head via suction and then as the mother is having a contraction, the accoucheuse (a fancy word for mid-wife) pulls on a cable attached to the suction cap attempting to yoink the bebbe out by its head. If the suction cap comes away from the head it is termed a ‘pop-off’….there are only three pop-offs allowed before an emergency c-section needs to be performed (obviously more than three would mean the OT would smell too much :P …. **groan**). The bebbe is left with a big suction cap shaped impression on its head that takes about a month to subside.

Episiotomies are….tearifying…(**groan** enough with the puns already). Put bluntly, if the hole isn’t big enough..it needs to be made bigger. This is achieved with a big pair of scissors slicing downwards towards the anus. Much suturing is required to put things back together afterwards. While it looks a little like roadkill to start with…the end product is remarkably like things were before squeezing a huge thing out through a small hole.

Duck-billed speculums are slippery little suckers when covered in lubricant. Cervices (plural of cervix) like to play hide and go seek and sometimes only reluctantly spring into view. Sometimes they can be spotted by following the mucus trail (Seriously!).

Speculums shoot across the room if you are not holding on to them when the patient laughs. It is wise to remove a speculum slightly open….apparently it’s quite uncomfortable if it clamps shut on a cervix and you’re likely to be kicked in the nuts by the patient (so I am told).

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  1. Kym says:

    ew. and ew ew.

    no more sharing for you, thank you very much.

  2. jez says:

    You received a content warning at the top of the post….if you choose to read further…it’s at your peril.

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